No Woman No Cry, Disagree

No woman No cry?
No woman, but
I have cried,
Wanna Cry
but no tears
such immense sadness
cannot be express by just tears and tantrum
Deep intense of dissatisfactions.

Regrets have a few,
Fear of future I have none,
Although the future seems unclear
I think worrying won't solve it
It will just make things worst.

Worrying and Fear have no grip from me,
but the some regrets and guilts of the past,
Keep on flashing back.


I have been strong for too long, sometime is okay to cry, but this time that kind of sadness cannot be cried out. My vocabulary, have become " I have should...." " what if " I gotta stop thinking else, overthinking could make me feel depress.

Okay for now I share until here, to be continued.....
I have promised I will write consistently even though it may be short.

June's Blessing

Be it like or hate
well life still move on...
we can't hate and love together, yet love and hate relationship does exist in a human relationships

Well sorry guys and Girls, I have been away for a long time.
Quick updates:
Recently I have got a job in a local GYM, work as a personal trainer,

Grateful to have a manager that take good care of me, Unfortunately I have an abusive boss,
Verbally abusive, although have a handsome outlook, but when it comes to rage and anger,
He threw it all....
Look horrible when he pout, unleash out all the anger to my manager....
There is something good about him, he just very lenient when it comes to certain stuff,
however too lenient in managing his business, he took his employee for granted.
Salary likewise is little, the full maximum amount of job he demand to work from Monday to Saturday, sad to say i have realized, my Salary as personal coach is lower than the MCD workers, and people who in Starbucks is pay better than me.
Initially, joining this company is my goal to pursue what I am passion about, but in reality unfortunately this passion hardly sustain the lifestyle.

At first i thought of staying and continue my work as personal coach while i could do some part time on weekend to sustain my living cost, but i cannot continue, because there have been times where the boss delay the payment of my salary, the 3rd time tried to delay , I have request an advance payment instead, and then after he have paid me I left the job giving the excuse of further study.

In the midst of my trouble, met Jason, he introduced me to Public Mutual, Met Miss Wei Joo, her story truly inspired me to be a Unit Trust Consultant. Which inspired me to continue in what I am good at Business & Financial Planning. I also plan to take my Financial Paper

Indeed I am Grateful, for the good and bad, the high ad the lo that I have gone through... I believe all things work Good For those who Love HIM (GOD).

with a Grateful Heart,
Your beloved Son,

SAD

I admit I feel Sad.

Couldn't deny it, would like to deny it.

Would like to bury those negatives feelings.

I guess I just release it in form of writing.

I felt people Kinda fake, Hypocrites.

The mouth is hot but the heart is not.

Insincerity really cuts and their smiles is razor blades.

Love to listen to sad songs, during these down seasons.

Enjoying the moments of sadness, betrayel , Loneliness, Misunderstandings.

Keep on telling myself to be strong no matter what, PAIN is temporary Glory is forever.

My Business is not doing good, weird I am not Worry, I lost My feeling....

I feel really bad, 

I hope this won't progress into Depression

I don't want the feeling of Killing myself again.

Tunnel

Past 3 months, just trap into this hole of depression.
Desperately seeking the way out, but i couldn't, anxious heart weight a man down. 

Fear of futures grip my heart, lacks of security drives me around doing things that condition myself to feel safe. Fears over grips my heart and worries paralysed my mind, everyday seems to be mundane, all i hope is the struggle is over.

Well 4 month have passed, Freedom visited me, i went to Freedom Seminar at Kingdom City Church, during the worship service i felt the touch of God's love, his warm embrace envelope me, like the waves cover the shores.

As been set free from oppression, my heart felt the release but my mind still struggles with racing thoughts, i know God still haven't finnish with me. As many whys start appearing in my mind, i have started to doubts and the fears revisited me again.

It was Wednesday evening, after work i have dilemma of deciding whether to go for company's training or just return home. After consulting my mom i still not convince to make decision, my mind was having lot of what-if" .

A step of faith, 

I took a step of faith just pray and get myself moving to the training venue. While on the way to my company, my self consciousness begin to manifest, begin to project what may happens.  On the journey to my company i took a bus, while i was inside the bus, thinking to distract myself from the overwhelming sensation fear i have plug-on to some of my favourite Christian songs.

"I am no longer slave to fear, I am the child of God." This song moved my heart, God was speaking to me through this songs of deliverance. I wanna express my Thanks to you Father, thank you for delivering from all fears. 

Meditation of those songs have moved my heart, i have made a decision of never look back to the past and Move forward towards the goals he have put in my heart.

I am forever grateful, from that day till now my mind is constantly renew, and I am enjoying the fellowship of the holy spirit

My December

This December would be a different December compare to the previous one.

Its a Bittersweet December .

Lots of sweet things happen, as Bitter stuffs abounds

A festive month for all of us.

A lot of invitations from friends , from various church and denominations.

Every week I am invited to a Christmas celebration, I have noticed networks of friends are growing ... 

I am so blessed. I thought i am happy but I wasn't. The joy of Christmas 

I have neglected the one that I've supposed to show love and concern. 

She waited for me; I have disappoint her again and again.

I have promised to come, but I have never showed up , I was so caught up with the events around me :(

Regret.

Never felt that strong remorse before , just a week ago I was talking with my Indian nanny. Knowing that she is not feeling well, I gave her a call wanted to invite her to a " Christian Healing rally". Unfortunately she is immobile and her sons are not really keen to transport her from her house. In our conversation, she told me to visit her when I am free. And I thought I gonna visit her next week, but it turn out to be different, I have attended a wedding instead. She have suffered much from disease and grief that caused by her sons. Her sons have neglected her in many ways. Yes, they do provide a home, but a home without love 

Picture in my Mind.

Picture of my nanny keep playing in my mind, I can only let her live in my memories. I LOVE HER. She is like my second mom. I felt sorry for her, I keep blaming myself and others for her lost. I know what I say or do couldn't bring her back. I miss her so much. From today onward I will promised you, I will treat my parents well when they are old, I will cherish them ,pour out my unconditional love towards them. 

RIP nanny,

Sincerely Love Justin .

Tears

In our Christian walk with God, 
Doesn't guarantee a bed of roses without any torn
Neither it guarantee that you always joyful without any tears.

Glad to share this topic.
Hard to say it in detail...

Tears are inevitable, 
When you are facing hurts and rejection,It is easy to fake a smile and walk off
Inside the heart where it lies an unbearable ache.
Learn to pour out your problems and your burdens to Him, for God he cares for you
He will never leave you, Cast your cares upon Him.
Friends may fail you, but Jesus will not fail you.


His Grace his perfect in my weakness.
His Love and grace will sustain me.
recall back a number of time I cry in your presence and fall on my knee.
There is such a peace which surpass all understanding being in His presence
Let my Love be my devotion to you.
I love you, because you first love me.


Thank you for the Love that you have showered in my Life 
 God is Faithful, You are faithful to the end
Year 2010 I would say that it is a year of challenge
A lot of my friends and close relative pass away.  T.T