Backthen, Here and Now

 Hey Friends, 👍

I am back, Always apologize being Hiatus...A lot of things happened, Really Bring me to tears and Old Fears revisited me.

Back to Track Lets hope something better i coming in December, I have to work hard, and smart to get me Out of this situation.

Even, typing my eyes swell with Tears, While typing listen to Emotional Chinese Songs, It helps me to pour out all the emotions.😓

Friends Left, Lost Job, suddenly have to move house, suddenly felt the weight of the world on my shoulder, remember to Ex-bosses I had, those wasted time.😖

Intense Feeling, at that point really i have the thought to End my life, but that call saved my life, Some random call from this Church workers, she asked whether can pray for me. What a relief, Thank God.

Finally understood, that when people kill themselves, they actually don't want to die it is the sudden surge or urge that cause them to have such boldness to stab or jump down from building ...

No worries, I won't do it... Probably need to wait the emotions to settle, listen to emotional song to get the tears start flowing.😥

Alright share until here, Remember to reach out to stranger, understood sometime people we know refuse to listen or they are not ready, I have tried to open then end up more Hurt. I think in future i will drift further and further away from them make friends with people who are like minded, positive, ever-learning attitudes. 

Surround with Positive friends 😀if you do not have now, no worries start reaching our for them... while negative relatives and family members I have say BYE with them, although it hurts but it will HEAL fast.💪😷 

SAD

I admit I feel Sad.

Couldn't deny it, would like to deny it.

Would like to bury those negatives feelings.

I guess I just release it in form of writing.

I felt people Kinda fake, Hypocrites.

The mouth is hot but the heart is not.

Insincerity really cuts and their smiles is razor blades.

Love to listen to sad songs, during these down seasons.

Enjoying the moments of sadness, betrayel , Loneliness, Misunderstandings.

Keep on telling myself to be strong no matter what, PAIN is temporary Glory is forever.

My Business is not doing good, weird I am not Worry, I lost My feeling....

I feel really bad, 

I hope this won't progress into Depression

I don't want the feeling of Killing myself again.

Tunnel

Past 3 months, just trap into this hole of depression.
Desperately seeking the way out, but i couldn't, anxious heart weight a man down. 

Fear of futures grip my heart, lacks of security drives me around doing things that condition myself to feel safe. Fears over grips my heart and worries paralysed my mind, everyday seems to be mundane, all i hope is the struggle is over.

Well 4 month have passed, Freedom visited me, i went to Freedom Seminar at Kingdom City Church, during the worship service i felt the touch of God's love, his warm embrace envelope me, like the waves cover the shores.

As been set free from oppression, my heart felt the release but my mind still struggles with racing thoughts, i know God still haven't finnish with me. As many whys start appearing in my mind, i have started to doubts and the fears revisited me again.

It was Wednesday evening, after work i have dilemma of deciding whether to go for company's training or just return home. After consulting my mom i still not convince to make decision, my mind was having lot of what-if" .

A step of faith, 

I took a step of faith just pray and get myself moving to the training venue. While on the way to my company, my self consciousness begin to manifest, begin to project what may happens.  On the journey to my company i took a bus, while i was inside the bus, thinking to distract myself from the overwhelming sensation fear i have plug-on to some of my favourite Christian songs.

"I am no longer slave to fear, I am the child of God." This song moved my heart, God was speaking to me through this songs of deliverance. I wanna express my Thanks to you Father, thank you for delivering from all fears. 

Meditation of those songs have moved my heart, i have made a decision of never look back to the past and Move forward towards the goals he have put in my heart.

I am forever grateful, from that day till now my mind is constantly renew, and I am enjoying the fellowship of the holy spirit